Shut up

That's right I said it laughingly to Ethan the other day and have regretted it ever since! Right now at this very moment Silas is in his bedroom screaming "SHUT UP" to me. UGH........not sure how I will handle this one yet (Good thing Samara is a heavy sleeper :) ). I think its best to sit here and blog about it instead. Pretty much every bad word that Silas has learned is my fault. Apparently I use the words hate and stupid a lot too!

Last night I made Carmel apples! Yum I have been craving them and felt that my life would never be complete till I made them. I've never made them before and I don't think I cooked the Carmel long enough because most of the Carmel settled to the bottom. BUMMER! I still ate them because it did taste great. I had cut the apple up into smaller pieces though (which took all the Carmel off, good thing I had extra) and eat it with a fork because it was MESSY! I just felt so annoyed that my apples didn't turn out like my friends or my sisters (Yes I have sister issues, I have 3 older sisters to live up to). Isn't it amazing how these little mundane things can really put you in a bad mood? Anyway as I was cutting into my second apple, Ethan said "I am concerned about our health". That was the tipping point that sent me to tears, not right away though. At first I was just angry, then I knew he was right and I am just stuffing all my feelings with food. We talked about eating healthier and me not making as many treats. After I cried on Ethan's shoulder, I did what any girl would do..............I decided to cut bangs. YES Bangs.  I usually have bangs but they have grown out past my nose and I hadn't decided what to do with them yet. Anyway I love them, and felt better.

I have been thinking though about experiences that we all have in life that leave us feeling.........jipped, angry, sad, discouraged, and alone. We all have them, and all of us tend to talk about these experiences more then needed, we can't seem to let it go. You will be talking with a friend and it usually starts with "When I was".............followed by some number of how old you were. I don't want to spend my life feeling bitter, I want to be grateful for my experiences. Good and bad. How have each of you let go? Please share, before my Carmel apples are almost gone....LOL

Just a little side note. I had Silas come down and eat lunch. Ya know what he wanted to eat and make all by himself? A turkey jelly sandwich! Did I let him? OF COURSE! After lunch I sent him to bed for a nap (he doesn't take naps anymore) he was not happy about it, but listened and got into bed...... he is ASLEEP! Success!!!!!

Now how about some pictures.

This was us on Halloween. Tiger Lilly, Captain hook, Peter Pan, and Tinkerbell. Yes I am wearing a snuggie....lol. It was

so comfortable!

Samara in her Sunday Dress

I can't believe how hard it is to get a good picture of them together!

Brownies, and cookies, and cupcakes......oh my

When I found out we were getting Samara I was beyond words excited....but then the stress set in (not that I didn't feel stressed before). Life is stressful people and we all have things in our lives that stress us out......maybe I just stress more than others? Anyhoo, I.......am........a............STRESS EATER!!! There I have said it and admitted it to the world! The first step is admitting it right? Will I stop turning to food now when I am stressed? Does this mean that now I will eat 1 snack size candy bar and not the bag? Will I still need a treat before and after my meals? Seriously, have you ever done something that you really don't want to do but you can't seem to stop yourself? For example I bought a bag of snack size butterfingers (the ones we got from trick or treating were already gone and I really needed more) I keep eating them but I honestly don't want them. I guess eating candy has become a habit now?

Last year I was so focused on being healthy!! I drank green smoothies, I started running, I cut down to a reasonable amount of sugar, I only used whole grains and ate mostly fish, chicken, turkey, veggies, and fruit. 1 year later all that went out the window and my pants are tight! I did some soul searching to try and understand why I lost all motivation, I figured it out. Last year I was obsessed with having another child. I wanted my baby girl (that I knew was suppose to come to our family) so badly. The only thing I could do to have some sort of control over having a baby was to prepare my body to get pregnant. Every moment running I was focused on what it would feel like to be pregnant (that's the only way I could get through it). Then I realized that my baby was suppose to be adopted, that's when I started to love burgers, nachos, cake, cookies (just to name a few) again. Maybe a deep subconscious part of me wanted to have a growing belly like Laken? Who knows, all I know is that I suddenly wanted to live in "Stretchy Pants" and eat whatever I wanted......... counting calories is no way to live! But living with these 15 extra pounds and muffin top doesn't feel good either. This is the argument that I have in my head over and over again.

I hate the modern trend of looking like you haven't eaten for weeks, I hate the pressure that it puts on women that are not naturally built that way. I have a daughter now and I want her to feel good about her body. I have to set a good example of what healthy means. However, I don't want to be the type of person that is obsessed with my weight. My time is very valuable to me, and I don't think it should be waisted on being vain. Don't get me wrong I love spending time being beautiful to a degree, but I don't want my body and the way I look to take over my life. I just want to be HEALTHY, I want to have a balance. Getting there just feels so hard. I can't determine where to draw the line with what I am eating. I can't decide what is acceptable for me and unacceptable.

I am hoping that some of you can relate.